Mitch Rodd puts his spin on the promises all 32 NFL teams will look to make in 2017.
New England Patriots: Find the fountain of youth that Tom Brady has been drinking from. Seriously, could he become a pensioner before he retires?
Miami Dolphins: Have another legendary quarterback known in Florida. Does Ryan Tannehill roll of the tongue as nicely as Dan Marino?
Buffalo Bills: Stop people mistaking their name for one of the best ice creams available for children – the delicious Bubble O Bill. Oh, and for someone to take a stranglehold on the quarterback position.
New York Jets: Finally choose a quarterback and stick with him. Ryan Fitzpatrick, Geno Smith, Bruce Petty, Christian Hackenberg… just pick one!
Pittsburgh Steelers: Where can they unearth a tree big enough to create a sturdy brace for that dodgy knee of Big Ben Roethlisberger? That man does so much for not being able to move very far.
Baltimore Ravens: Bottle some of what Tom Brady has been having and give some to Joe Flacco and Steve Smith.
Cincinnati Bengals: Find a cloning machine and deadlock A.J. Green in there. Having two of him while Andy Dalton can still throw would be God-send. Maybe try the CIA?
Cleveland Browns: Grasp some of the magic created by the Cavaliers NBA title and rub it off on them. Even just a molecule. It’s been a long time since they’ve been of NFL relevance.
Houston Texans: Have Brock Osweiler become the quarterback they’re paying him to be. Or have Tom Savage go on a rampage. Either way, it is an interesting situation for a title winning team to find themselves in.
Tennessee Titans: Find who put the pin in their Marcus Mariota voodoo doll and bring them to justice for their crimes against humanity. The young slinger’s heartbreaking broken tibia is the last thing the Titans could afford.
Indianapolis Colts: Discover someone else outside of Andrew Luck who can win games for them. Without the former no. 1 pick in the pocket, the Colts wouldn’t even be close to the playoffs.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Somehow bottle all the pre-season hype and have it scientifically converted into actual results and improvement throughout their list.
Oakland Raiders: Go on and win the Super Bowl. How great would it be to have Raider Nation as champions again? Their quarterback depth will be tested though now that Derek Carr’s season is over.
Kansas City Chiefs: Make their city, and state, known for more than just a throw-away line from The Wizard of Oz. They have the weapons to make an impact in the post-season.
Denver Broncos: See inside the mind of John Elway. He chose Trevor Simein over Brock Osweiler and long term it looks like a good move.
San Diego Chargers: Finally get their dream move out of San Diego. Ron Burgundy and co. will be filthy but the time is right for the Chargers to spark up again.
Dallas Cowboys: Win a fairy tale championship, led by their star rookie quarterback and running back. If this is season number one, can you imagine the havoc Prescott and Elliott will wreak over the next decade?
New York Giants: Have Eli Manning resurface the debate of who is the better brother – he or Peyton. A third championship ring might do just that.
Washington Redskins: Go deep into the playoffs. They have been quietly going about their business and could be a dark horse.
Philadelphia Eagles: See a young Carson Wentz continue to spread his wings. Oh, and introduce those cheesesteaks they bang on about to Aussie shores.
Green Bay Packers: Buy more cheese hats. They clearly don’t have enough fans wearing those in the north of the nation.
Detroit Lions: Never give the Packers a fighting chance in the final seconds of a match.
Minnesota Vikings: Have Teddy Bridgewater return and find his early career form after his nasty knee injury.
Chicago Bears: Locate and sign a quarterback. Anyone really. Could it be “Tebow-Time”? (The answer is a flat no but it’s fun to bring up).
Atlanta Falcons: Have Julio Jones give Jerry Rice’s season receiving record a shake.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Find some more weapons for Jamies Winston outside of the enigmatic Mike Evans.
New Orleans Saints: Create a running game to take some of the pressure off the old arms of Drew Brees. We all love seeing the future Hall of Famer picking up ridiculous yard totals for fun, but surely his arm must be getting tired by now.
Carolina Panthers: Search out Will Smith and ask him for one of those gadgets from Men in Black that wipe your memory. No much worth celebrating for the team who was almost perfect last season.
Seattle Seahawks: Preserve Russell Wilson’s DNA. The diminutive quarterback is the ultimate prototype and is far too underrated around the NFL.
Arizona Cardinals: Acquire a time machine. The Cards were only just shy of last year’s Super Bowl on the back of an outstanding season from Carson Palmer. Those heights have not been reached in 2016.
Los Angeles Rams: Have Jared Goff become the franchise player they crave in their new Californian crib. They need something to shout about.
San Francisco 49ers: Just get better. Only two wins from this decorated club is a very low point.